DREAMING IN BANGKOK: FINDING MY GROOVE

I’ve been in Bangkok, Thailand, for about three weeks now. Until last week, I didn’t know why I returned to Thailand instead of Brazil, much less to stay in Bangkok, because Brazil is my favorite place. Also, I was somewhat disappointed by my one-month-long stay in Thailand two years ago. It was a great trip- the beaches were gorgeous, the Thai people were lovely, and the food was delightful. In addition, the trip inspired me to write my award-winning film screenplay, “Ladyboy Blues.” (I won 17 awards for this screenplay and learned that those 17 awards + $2.90 get me on the NYC subway!)

For the past two years, I found myself slowly drifting away from this reality. It was subtle and seemed par for my life's course. Then, six months ago, I was body-slammed into what I (now) affectionately called the “ABYSS“ (more on this later when I find the words to describe it), where I left my body, mind, and world behind and found myself surfing spiritual dimensions/realms and felt the world and myself dissolving. I didn’t write or exercise, and I lost all desire to dance Tango, for which I had been passionate.

It occurred to me that we are meaning creating machines. For example, when offered a Rorschach inkblot, we expertly give meaning to it. We construct meaning for our lives that ultimately have as much solidity as sand mandalas. All meaning was lost to me during this time, and life lost its relevance. Aside from the uncertainty of what was happening, there was a subtle but definite feeling of elation once I stopped resisting. This allowed me to abandon all resistance and drift deeper into the abyss, which I later equated with BEINGNESS. 

I felt I should have been more concerned and harbored more fear, but I observed and allowed the dissolution of myself and the world to proceed while having a front-row seat to the spectacle. What was more remarkable was how deep into the abyss I was taken. I can’t say there was any active exploration because there was only EMPTINESS, BEING. 

In this context, I decided not to go to Brazil and return here to Thailand. During my first two weeks here, I was still deep in the abyss when suddenly, I was spit out back into the world. It was initially disconcerting to be embodied again and find myself in a groove filled with activities. At that point, it all made sense: This trip was about using and reconnecting with my body. After these past two years of going deeper into BEINGNESS, my schedule is filled with activities that engage my body.

I found an excellent modern gym nearby where I’m doing weight training, yoga, and stretching classes, and I walk 4-5 miles daily to explore Bangkok. Interestingly, I attempted several times to attend a Tai Chi class, but there was always some obstacle. I immediately realized that Tai Chi was about moving energy and spirit-based. After living in that world of energy and spirit for so long, the Universe was pushing me back into my body.

I'm also taking group and private dance lessons in Brazilian Zouk, Kizomba, and Bachata, and I dance four to five times a week. By the end of the day, I’m physically exhausted but ecstatic to move this vehicle I've neglected for so long. OM NAMAH SHIVAYA!