Dreaming in Bangkok: I am a sensualist!

I’ve realized that at least while waiting for destiny to manifest my fourth ex-wife (!), the purpose of this trip to Bangkok is to take a vacation from the spiritual realms and become fully embodied- in the body. I’ve been fully immersed, to the point of exhaustion, in physical activity: Weight training, body sculpting, stretching, walking, and dancing my ass off with Brazilian Zouk, Bachata, and Kizomba classes. Who would have thought that in the autumn of my life, I would rediscover my body in such a variety of ways and challenge my strength and limits? 

After an intense day at the gym, four hours of dancing, and then a 5-mile walk home, I lay in bed, overwhelmed with exhaustion and elation. I’ve had similar feelings of bliss here in Bangkok, especially with the wind blowing in my face while sitting in the back of a Grab (the equivalent of Uber in the west) motorbike, the scorching sun on my body, and during massages- whether so firm that I am almost in tears, or the softest touch that sends tingling throughout my body. The associated thought is always the same: Life is delicious!

While in bed, trying to muster the energy to shower, two ideas percolated. The first was Albert Camus’ “Les Noces” (Nuptials or Summer in Algiers), an essay in which he beautifully expresses his deep connection to his native Algeria, especially the Mediterranean landscape, sun, sea, and sensual pleasures of life. The second was Dostoyevsky’s “The Brothers Karamazov.” Specifically, his descriptions of the father and son, Fyodor and Dimitri, as sensualists.

Both Camus and Dostoyevsky were profound influences early in my life. Interestingly, however, despite three attempts, I could never finish “The Brothers Karamazov,” which is considered his most outstanding work. I read “Crime and Punishment“ in high school when I was introduced to other existentialist writers, such as Albert Camus, Jean-Paul Sartre, & Nietzsche. I believe their exploration of the individual, the Überman, versus the masses/ant heap resonated with my deep feelings of alienation from the world. Rather than cower from those feelings, these writers gave me validation and a raison d’être. 

Despite never finishing “The Brothers Karamazov,” his discussion of sensualism stuck in my mind. According to ChatGPT (I wanted to get the details right): 

“A sensualist in Dostoevsky’s world isn’t just someone who enjoys physical pleasure — it’s someone who lives for it, who makes no serious attempt to restrain or balance it with reason or moral reflection. Sensualism, in this sense, becomes a kind of spiritual illness. In The Brothers Karamazov, Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov, the father, and Dmitri (Mitya), the eldest son, are both described as sensualists — that is, people who are governed by their bodily passions and appetites, particularly for sex, alcohol, and luxury, often to a destructive degree. Fyodor Pavlovich (the father) is a grotesque figure of sensualism. He lives in debauchery, constantly mocking religion and indulging in lust, greed, and drink, utterly without shame. He is grotesque and proud of it. His son Dmitri (Mitya) is described as a tormented sensualist — one who is aware of his passion and often regrets it but cannot break free from it. The tension between his higher aspirations and the gravity of his desires leads to a spiritual conflict in Dmitri. He is tormented, self-aware, and often guilty. Sensualism in the novel symbolizes man’s struggle between base desires and spiritual yearning. This sensualism starkly contrasts with characters like Alyosha, the youngest son, who represents spiritual aspiration and moral purity. Dostoevsky uses these characters to explore the duality of human nature—the constant battle between indulgence in earthly pleasures and the pursuit of spiritual purity. Fyodor Pavlovich represents the dangers of a life surrendered entirely to sensualism, leading to moral decay. In contrast, Dmitri’s internal struggle signifies the possibility of redemption and the human capacity for self-reflection and growth.”

When I finally mobilized myself and luxuriated in the shower, it occurred to me that I, too, am unabashedly a sensualist. However, in the same way that I rejected Dostoyevsky’s cop-out in allowing Raskolnikov (“Crime and Punishment”) to find redemption in religion rather than embracing himself as a failed Ũberman (I was undoubtedly a gumptious teenager!), I see no purpose in his demarcations between Fyodor’s grotesque and Dimitri’s tormented variety of sensualism. These distinctions are similar to the demarcating lines and circle of the Yin and Yang symbol- they are constructs without which the concept of balance drifts away into the Consciousness Soup we inhabit and of which we are typically ignorant. Without the construct, there is only Consciousness- what always was, is, and always will be!- which encompasses the totality of existence. 

There are no demarcating lines between earthly pleasures and the pursuit of spiritual purity. They are one and the same. What is left is the perceiver, the object of perceiving (the world, sensations, etc), and the act of perceiving. It is in the act of perceiving where all the magic happens. It is Consciousness itself. Perhaps this is the phrase's meaning: “Be still and know that you are God!” That place of stillness is in the act of perceiving, where our human avatars and the objects of perception drop out, leaving only the act of perceiving- Consciousness itself! 

Consequently, once you take away the interpretations and stop attributing meaning to a Consciousness Soup where meaning is inherently part of the construct, the illusion- the circle encompassing the contrasting sides of the Yin and Yang symbol- what is left is the realm of the senses (and yes, thoughts in this context are sense objects as well). Therefore, if one removes their blinders, the senses- the world and all human experience- can serve as portals to the Divine. If one were to then look a little deeper, the line between the world and the Divine dissolves. Beleza! Yes, I am unabashedly a sensualist! Join me!