Identity

After one of the most amazing days of my life while in Ecuador- visiting Otavalo, serendipitously stumbling upon the Monasterio Cusin, proposing marriage to Alexandra (and she said yes!) followed by a fabulous meal and two bottles of Champagnes with a wonderful couple we had just met and who served as witnesses to the proposal- we were driving back to Puerto Lago where we were staying. We were both in an elated state, completely blissed out.

From the very moment that Alexandra and I met at NuBlu 2 and learned that both of our daughters went to the same school in Barcelona, we both knew that destiny was stirring our souls together in a pot with such delightful herbs and spices that was too compelling to dismiss. After only a few months together, we had already verbalized, and not necessarily only in moments of great passion, what seemed obvious, that we were life partners. However, agreeing to marry kicked it up to an entirely different level. Whatever doubts, defenses, and doors in our hearts that were still closed, just fell away, akin to that old Kelloggs commercial where Tony the tiger roared and all the letter on the box fell all at once (Am I dating myself?!). At that moment, our souls were bared and open to the universe, ready to give and receive. As I had presciently written in one of my poems: “Two flashlights pointing at one other. Which one gives and which receives? There is only light.”

In one of our long silences, I started to think about the wonderful afternoon we had just shared. The market at Otavalo was spectacular. Otavalo apparently has a designation from Unicef as a “Patrimonia de la Humanidad” and the indigenous culture of the locals can be seen every where. I took many pictures and started to look through them. What struck me the most was the resemblance between the people. Their facial structure, skin pigmentation, hair and body stature was incredibly similar, which was then particularly highlighted by the colorful clothes they wore. This led me to think about the idea of identity and how one identifies with one’s people and culture, one’s tribe. In one way it was so powerful and empowering to have such a connection, but on the other hand, this sense of tribalism, identification with one’s country or group, is the root source of most conflict and war in the world. It is comforting to know that you belong to a group, a nation, a people or an idea, and yet this same concept also limits and contains us.

This led to a moment of introspection and sadness for me because I never had this sense of identification. Despite nurturing this into a sense of bravado and individuality, this caused me great pain for most of my life and aside from my mother and sister, I felt alone in the world. I couldn’t find a hook with which to attach myself to anything.

The following examples that I am sharing are now recognized as being nothing more than stories with which I erected this edifice called “Richard,” but from a child’s point of view, they were devastating. I was born in Haiti but am light-skinned and forgot Creole as a child. My father was assassinated by Poppa Doc Duvalier when I was three years old and my mother had to leave us in Haiti for three years while she slaved to save enough money to bring us to New York City. I was an athlete but never connected with the culture of sports or hanging out with guys doing “guy things.” Consequently, I was lost to nationalism, race, parents, gender, and profession, and consequently felt like a fraud, faking my way- albeit quite well- through whatever scenario in which I was placed. I never had a particular identification with anything with which I could anchor myself, and hence, in order to try to fit in, I learned to be a chameleon and faked it quite convincingly. I have a vision of myself dying and my soul goes to this large auditorium with lots of people, and the person on the stage says: “…and the Oscar for the best performance as a human goes to…Richard Lanoix.” As I stated, this was a compelling and sometimes entertaining story around which I constructed most of my life, and fortunately, through “grace,” I recognized it as simply a story.

As I was writing this, another thought relating to identity came to mind. I was in a Dieta with Don Diego in Sachavacay and anyone who has ever sat with Don Diego will confirm that in addition to being a powerful, gifted and divinely inspired shaman, he had the voice of an angel. Mother Vine had dragged me through the darkest corners of the jungles of my mind and deconstructed me. I was bankrupt and as distraught and hopeless as I felt at that moment, my only source of encouragement came with what Don Diego had once shared with us at the end of a particular ceremony where we all seemed ravaged. He said that no matter how much suffering we believed ourselves to be undergoing at that particular moment, we should keep in mind all the work and suffering we endured in so many previous lifetimes to get to this point. He reminded us that the hard work was behind us and that this was the easy part as we were now finally on the divine path. The depth of my perceived suffering would not allow me to fully embrace his words, but they were encouraging nonetheless and a worthwhile distraction. Then at that moment, he picked up his guitar and sang a song by Rodolfo Enrique Cabral entitled “No soy de aquí ni soy de allá.” I at first wasn’t particularly paying attention to the words but when he started to sing the refrain, the third stanza, it caught my attention. It translates to:

“I am not from here nor am I from there, I have no age nor future, and being happy is my identity color.”

After he sang this the second time, I just burst into tears. Those words somehow touched my heart at its core and I was bawling. Somehow an entire life of feeling alone, alienated and without connection or identity with which to feel secure, just washed away. That was the start of the dissolution of the construct called “Richard,” with the identification with who I mistakenly believed myself to be, and with whom I never felt comfortable. It was as though I was trying to put on a suit in which I didn’t fit and yet was forced to wear. At that moment, with those words being sung by Don Diego’s beautiful voice, as though expressly for me at that exact point in my life that I needed to hear them, I realized that I didn’t need to limit myself with such pedestrian identities such as nationality, race, culture, profession, gender, etcetera. I had said those words many times, as though trying to convince myself of their validity, but there was always the feeling that it was somehow due to some internal deficiency that prevented me from making these connections and identifying with any particular group and hence developing an identity. At that precise moment, I felt connected to something much larger and infinitely more beautiful and powerful, and more so, I was it. The circle that contained the symbol of the yin and the yang dissolved and the two parts just floated apart in the nothingness. I cried tears of joy, bliss, connection, authenticity and liberation.

So as I was writing this, I searched Youtube for the song and came across this version by the author of the song, Rodolfo Enrique Cabral (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xD3G6eM3tPI- the song starts at 4:07); another by Alberto Cortez (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8K1GGV7dj1Y); and another by Chavela Vargas (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbR1jpwwdbc). I’ve pasted the lyrics in Spanish and English below.

Listening to this song again after such a long time immediately brought me back to the Peruvian jungle and I again started bawling, but this time they were tears of gratitude for the illusory journey that has led me to this illusory moment where I feel so blessed by the kiss of the divine. Thank you!

Lyrics to “No soy de aquí ni soy de allá.”

Me gusta el sol y la mujer cuando llora Las golondrinas y las malas se??oras Saltar balcones y abrir las ventanas Y las muchachas en abril

Me gusta el vino tanto como las flores Y los amantes, pero no los se??ores Me encanta ser amigo de los ladrones Y las canciones en franc??s

No soy de aqu??, ni soy de all?? No tengo edad, ni porvenir Y ser feliz es mi color De identidad No soy de aqu??, ni soy de all?? No tengo edad, ni porvenir Y ser feliz es mi color De identidad

Me gusta estar tirado siempre en la arena Y en bicicleta perseguir a Manuela Y todo el tiempo para ver las estrellas Con la Mar??a en el trigal

No soy de aqu??, ni soy de all?? No tengo edad, ni porvenir Y ser feliz es mi color De identidad No soy de aqu??, ni soy de all?? No tengo edad, ni porvenir Y ser feliz es mi color De identidad

Written by Rodolfo Enrique Cabral • Copyright © EMI Music Publishing, Universal Music Publishing Group

I AM NOT FROM HERE

lyrics of Facundo Cabral

Music Facundo Cabral

I like the sun, Alicia and pigeons,

a good cigar and Spanish guitar,

jump walls and open the windows

and when a woman cries.

I am not from here nor am I from there

I have no age nor future

and being happy is my identity color.

I like wine as much as flowers

and rabbits and old shepherds

the homemade bread and the voice of Dolores

and the sea wetting my feet.

I am not from here nor am I from there

I have no age nor future

and being happy is my identity color.

I like being always lying in the sand

or on the bike chasing Manuela

or all the time to see the stars

with the Mary in the field.

I am not from here nor am I from there

I have no age nor future

and being happy is my identity color.

or on bike to chase Manuela

or all the time to see the stars

with the Maria in the wheat field.

I am not from here nor am I from there

I have no age nor future

and being happy is my identity color.

---

The author was born in Haiti and has lived in New York City for the past 54 years. He is a practicing emergency physician who has dedicated his life to the healing arts and the exploration of Consciousness and creativity.

He self-published his second novel "Love in the Time of Coronavirus: 20/20 in 2020" on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09BZLVKP4).

He & his wife are presently on a world-travel adventure that he is writing about in his blog "Travels with Ale." For exciting & thought-provoking content, & to be part of the adventure, follow him here, on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/richardlanoix/) & Facebook (@RichardLanoixAuthor· Author). His other blog posts related to Consciousness can be found at medium.com/lanoixvisions.